|
[17 Apr 2005|03:51pm] |
|
|
| ...FUCK every female out there |
[12 Mar 2005|03:58am] |
...fuck a natalie
...fuck a sarah
...fuck a becca
...fuck an ash
...fuck a nichole
...fuck a michelle
...fuck an ariel
...fuck a megan
...fuck a heather
...fuck a kelly
...fuck a kelly
...fuck everybody else
fuck everybody who's ever made me feel like there was even the POSSIBILITY of spending even one goddamn night on this planet NOT fuckin alone...and of course, i just realized WHY THE FUCK DO I CARE...i try my fuckin hardest just to be myself, and i can make friends where i choose, but when it comes to something lasting, those who wanna be with me, no matter how good looking they are or how good their personality is, i just don't trust them. not a single damn one. i've become so fuckin psychotic lately that it really doesn't matter anymore, because everything's trippin me out and i'm even planning out the killings of several people that i normally wouldn't even think to kill or even insult, but my mind has come up with ways to do it and get away with it. my advice to anyboy is to get away from me...i should seriously quit my job and call the county health department for help, because i'm not even worried about me anymore...i don't know what's wrong, but i just realized that i'm really a danger to everybody i know...even closer friends like joe kewl, pothead, pimpsmack...
fuck i hate being me
and yet i kinda like me......
|
|
|
[10 Mar 2005|11:22am] |
...my guy stole my gal...
lol
|
|
| ...to crap on a dead man's skull |
[09 Mar 2005|01:32pm] |
well, same ol' same ol'. had a pretty decent week thus far, which basically means i havent gotten severely pissed off at anybody at work. kelly got like 2/3 of her hair chopped off, and now she looks exactly like this really lopsided fat girl that used to stare at me at my old telemarketing job...well, that got her outta my mind real quick, let me tell you. one problem solved lol. i havent really talked to megan since we hung out last weekend, and that particular relationship feels like it's taking its usual route. kimmay's been calling an awful lot lately, which is pretty nice for a change. today i worked on an all black line at work. 6 blacks, 1 white. whatever, if it was a chess game it would've been 6 black pawns, 1 white king, and no tradin up for queens, fuck yea.
quick question, even though i already know the answer...what does it mean when a girl you work with goes out of her way to tell you that she dumped her boyfriend and blah blah blah, all the while making eye contact...then breaks eye contact while telling you that your relationship rules are stupid, mainly the two relating to her(work and age(she's 20), and that you should give someone a chance. hmmmm i wonder...grrrr i guess nobody will accept that i'm gonne be single forever lol
|
|
|
[04 Mar 2005|04:47pm] |
Your element is Shadow: Indifferent, unusual,
gentle and a complete mystery. No one tends to
know quite what to think of you because you
camouflage your emotions so incredibly well,
almost as well as your thoughts. You are
unpredictable in that no one knows exactly what
your going to do or what your capable of and
you've made sure they never will. You are quite
the wallflower but deep down inside is a kind
and very intelligent person. You are capable of
love but unless you let some light into your
shadowed life you'll have a hard time with your
relationships. People are a mystery only
because they all seem too superficial, you
would rather be somewhere else, away from all
the noise perhaps putting your feelings into a
form of art, maybe writing your feelings into a
poem or journal, or perhaps painting a picture.
The shadows make you feel comfortable and you
don't like to step outside your comfort zone or
let anyone else in, the spotlight terrifies
you. You are truly a mystery.
.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
|
|
|
[04 Mar 2005|04:16pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 irritated |
] |
you know, sometimes i get around to wondering...why does anybody even bother caring whether or not they're alone. as much as i hate it, it really is the best way to go. no matter what, throughout all of time, you truly are alone. each time a person gets involved with somebody new, it's just a distraction or pathway that either shrouds the truth, or leads you on until the next period of loneliness. just about every time a breakup or similar situation occurs, it either gets worse, if you're emotional, or easier for those of us who have learned to not give a shit(which then others might say is wrong, but is yet a solution which i have found plausible). some people may say it's a search for that one special person to spend the rest of your life with, but what happens when that person dies??? you're alone yet again. it is inevitable, this endless chain of life's loneliness, emptiness. even those who believe in some sort of life-affirming afterplace still as yet undetermined by those without faith and even some with, must realize that in this so-called 'afterlife', a person will still be alone awaiting the former companion to join them many years along the way, should they even get to that same particular 'afterlife'. it's a cycle, and it continues forever into eternity...
...and i straight up fuckin hate it
|
|
| ...thunderdome |
[28 Feb 2005|01:30pm] |
So Saturday i had plans to hang out with Meggs at my motel. I was just loading up the car when Adam called, fresh outta jail, so i went and saw him and Vicki for a bit. Jail weened him off the junk and he doesnt even smoke cigs anymore...how marvelous.
Afterwards Meggs met me at the motel, and we just got tipsy off ciclon and strawberry vodka, watched some movies, played some games...good times, good times. It's been awhile since I've hung out with my friends, which helped to make up for a really shitty week.
when again?
|
|
|
[24 Feb 2005|01:16pm] |
|
thine eyes have never before this day lain sight upon such true, unmasked, and unmatched beauty as is revealed by your heavenly face
|
|
| ...no more DEMF, 'movement' |
[24 Feb 2005|12:58pm] |
well, as of yesterday, kevin saunderson signed a 3-year contract with Detroit to produce Fuse-In Detroit: Electronic-Soul Movement, the newest replacement for the original DEMF...in case you didn't already know this pj, they wanna split it between live bands and djs, so that it's not just electronic.
oh yea, and they wanna charge for it too...
|
|
| ...questions |
[24 Feb 2005|12:43pm] |
...do i have a heart?
...do i have a soul?
...am i capable of love?
...do i have anger management issues?
...can i really handle being alone forever?
...what do i do now?
questions, questions, questions...plentiful and unfading...
answers...nonexistent and pathetically buried in the back of some wise chinese prophet's undeciphered mind on a plain of emptiness...
|
|
|
[22 Feb 2005|12:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
so two days without long-lasting sight or mention, and I without personal thought. i'm rather proud of myself and the people i work with(anybody who doesnt know what im talking about either hasnt read my journal recently or doesnt know me)...
saw pothead for the first time in quite awhile, with his newest/oldest gf and valentino preppski. kinda the reverse of the old days, when he'd stop by my place and i'd be drunk as shit...
bought a bag on friday, and i've been smokin it ever since. so sad, i wasnt supposed to buy anymore. oh well, itll be gone when it's gone and i'll try try again...
totally looking forward to saturday night. the first time i tried ciclon, my meggs and i were both virgins to its exquisite taste, but it quickly became our numero uno. now we're gonna have another night of it, only this time she has time to spare and i have decks o' cards galorio. leave it to me to have a good drunken time(besides, sober or not, i love hangin with my meggie)...
|
|
| ...tormentation |
[18 Feb 2005|08:59am] |
a couple things have been increasingly drilling through my mind as of late...one, which is pretty obvious, is how can a person be completely infatuated with a person that they do not even know, let alone like? it bugs the shit outta me that whenever i'm on the job, my mind can seldom escape the confines of kelly's invisible aura which holds me to myself. i've thought long and hard about this dilemma which has been presented me, and so far come up with a few possible conclusions.
the first being similar to the hollywood syndrome, whereas certain peculiar looks and acts by a person can grasp our deepest desires and direct them like an arrow aimed at a target. i can see how this is possible, at least in my own attractions which usually focus particularly on eyes and lips above all else, which as i've stated before, kelly has amazingly beautiful eyes and a gorgeous smile that never seems to dissipate.
the second possible conclusion is that she is basically the most obvious object(person or otherwise) to grasp my attention at my job, and thus my mind has automatically zoned in on her to assist in passing the time. if this is the case, it could explain why i don't often think about her outside the workplace, and also why during my conversation with meggs the other day, even though kelly was working within 5 feet of me, i paid her no attention except when she paraded in front of my eyes or when lavelle attempted to initiate contact between the two of us.
there's also a third conclusion, but those who know me personally would be quick to agree that it's basically impossible, and that's love at first sight. this, of course, is something i totally do not believe in, and if it does exist, could never conceivably happen with me(not to mention if so, i would think about her as often outside of work as i do on the job.)
the second thing that's been bothering me concerns a friend with whom i've known for a rather long period of time. we've been spending a LOT more time on the phone together lately, which would be normal if this was something consistent that we'd been doing for years, but we haven't. for some reason, it seems when she wants to talk to someone, lately she's been calling me. even today, she woke up and decided to call me at 4am just to leave a message, but happened to catch me before i'd even made it through the first minute of my break. the interesting thing is that i've been putting off a lot of things lately just to incorporate that phone time, including important things such as sleep. i've known her for a long time, and even though we've been close in other ways which include sensuality, we've never been romantic or anything. mainly, i attribute this to myself and the way i went about things, and also to the way we first met and the impact that had on our future relationship with each other, which has been on and off for about 5 years until recently, which is one of the longest periods we've been talking and which i personally think will continue. whether or not anything will develop out of that is unknown at this point in time, but the possibility, at least in my mind, is increasingly growing. this, of course, would mean breaking 2 of my most important rules governing age and distance, although the particular reasons those rules are in place do not apply here. another question grows from the midst of this situation, and that relates to the first problem that's been bugging me. when i'm at work, i've been thinking about kelly, but when i'm not at work, i think about somebody else. if somebody were to develop between myself and that other person, would the fact that i work with a person whom i can't stop thinking about compromise anything between us, even though by that time i'm sure i'll have gotten over that little problem.
the third thing is simply this.....grrrrrrrr
ok that is all. if you took the time to read all of this, thanks for caring and sorry about writing so much, but i had to let out my confusion into words.
|
|
| ...as the world turns |
[17 Feb 2005|08:44am] |
so i spent almost an hour on the phone with meggs while on the line at work...that was interesting. i've never done that before with anybody, but i had my earpiece up my shirt so the boss couldnt see...i usually listen to the radio like that, so some people thought i was talking to myself, but whatever...the night went by real quick after that...coincidence??? hmmm.....(what's going on here?????????????)
today was a new record for people talking to me about kelly at work...6 different people came up to me trying to talk me into hooking up with her, which was really a pain in the ass considering she was working overtime so she spent 4 hours on the line with me. the REALLY nuts part was when lavelle actually went up to her and tried to call me over when i was on the phone with megan...some people will NEVER grow up...
i'm talking to lyn-di-star right now, i havent talked to her in months...good to know she's still alive lol...
oh yea i never listen to 95.5 but when i was leaving work it came on and they had the war of the roses, which is where somebody calls in and says they think their girl/guy is cheating and then mojo calls the potential cheater and offers them a free bouquet of roses to be sent to anyone, and the object is that they'll send it to the caller if they're not cheating, or someone else if they are...anyway, this guy called in, they had a chick call his girl, and she said to send them to another guy, and the dude gets on the line crying like "who's matt" and then she starts crying...it was fuckin great...i guess they live together, well, not anymore lol.....
|
|
|
[14 Feb 2005|07:30am] |
ok, so it's fuckin valentine's day. big fuckin deal. everybody's taken this pathetic day to celebrate a christian saint and blown it completely outta proportion. i'm sick and fuckin tired of everybody telling me i'll find love and i'll have a good valentine's day some year, but maybe i just don't goddamn want to, ya know? it has simply become a pathetically fucked-up hallmark holiday, and i'm getting really fed up with this shit...
ps pothead i hope you're ok today, and hopefully things aren't eatin you up too bad...
many condolences
|
|
|
[13 Feb 2005|06:12am] |
i do not believe in love, so fuck you all and your goddamn valentine's day. the closest i've ever come to feeling something THAT powerful id indescribile, but with me i'll do what's required. i will say that one of the best moments i've had in damn near 3 months was my Meggie callin me to talk at 3am even though she was abandoning a shitload of friends there to celebrate HER birthday, yet she called me...and yet when i asked, she had NO viable reason for calling except to talk. I've never felt true love, but honestly that's about the closest i've come my entire life. i still feel like shit, but...
thank you meggie...i appreciate that and hopefully that'll help me last until Kelly...
or you...
but that's up to you, now isnt it?????
|
|
| ...beyond help |
[11 Feb 2005|09:16pm] |
so last night i damn near had a fuckin nervous breakdown on the line at work. i had to keep walking off and use everything i had to keep from completely losing it. no clue what caused it, and i'm still fighting it, but i spent almost 5 hours not saying a word to ANYBODY, which to all you who know me is totally unlike me.
i don't know why my mind is so fucked up, although i can name several thoughts in my head that mighta contributed...
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2){kind=small}
gonepostal's journal